Dear Customer and/ or Valued Shareholder,
In recent weeks, it has come to our attention that product #Z-238526c47, better known as "Real Teen" and produced by Uber Toys (a division of SuperMega Corp), has attracted quite a bit of criticism from parents and reviewers around the United States. While this product has been a major success overseas, sales plummeted when parents realized just how realistically this children's toy emulates parenting a teenager. The doll smokes cigarettes, experiments with drugs, and has a 30% chance of becoming pregnant if left in a bin or a chest with other toys. These features were designed in the hopes of bringing added realism to the doll. Some other dolls from our competitors, such as Baby Alive made by Hasbro, eat food and defecate in play diapers, and seeing the success of such toys, we here at SuperMega Corp thought that we could take things to the next level, unaware that some parents would take offense to cleaning up synthetic vomit after the "Real Teen" doll enjoys a night of underage drinking and unprotected intercourse at a frat party.
The "Real Teen" fiasco (and all of the lawsuits related therein) has proven itself to be yet another challenge in this, the darkest chapter of our company's long and storied history. We're sure you're well aware of the alleged "culpability" of our financial division, Epic Bank & Financial Solutions, in regards to the current recession, to which I will say the same thing I've repeated on television so many times: you can't blame the banks for the recession. Consumers are always quick to blame financial institutions every time their life savings are eradicated in a housing market gamble. Isn't life a gamble? Aren't you throwing the dice every time you leave your house in the morning? And please note that SuperMega Corp did use our share of the Federal bailout money to send nineteen of our top executives on a two-week training exercise, to a casino in Monaco, which has nothing to do with the use of the "throwing the dice" comment made previously. This exercise was widely invaluable to us. Workshops such as "The Roulette Wheel of Housing Markets," "Ferrari Finance," and "How Disposing of a Dead Prostitute at 4am is similar to High-Interest Lending," taught our executives a great deal about better serving you, our valued clients. In fact, the workshops were so frequent and stressful that I found myself forced with ordering $19,750 massages for each of our executives, four times each day! This is what we here at SuperMega Corp are willing to endure for the sake of our beloved customers.
There have, of course, been countless other calamities faced by our company's numerous divisions in the past two years. We've been criticized for accidentally spilling 20,000 gallons of shampoo into the ocean just off the coast of southern California, an accident we quickly reacted to by adding 10,000 gallons of conditioner, and 750 gallons of mousse, all in what I'll go so far as to claim was a valiant effort to make sure the ocean had sufficient color and bounce. Then of course there was the story in the news about one of our lobbyists sleeping with an influential politician, allegedly resulting in the government's ruling that "Hip Baby Cigarettes" were not targeted toward youths, which was completely unrelated to the sex scandal aforementioned. Cartoon bunnies do not always need to be used to market a product toward a youth demographic, as the Congressional hearing's verdict shows. And we'd be remiss not to mention our recall of 245,000 of the cars manufactured by out automotive division, Grody International, for experiencing what can best be described as a mild, nearly insignificant risk of minor gas tank explosion. There were only 19,000 reported incidents of these tanks exploding that resulted in death worldwide. Worldwide! I'd say we reacted to that slight problem quickly and effectively, and with the immateriality of the related risk, you might even say we over-reacted!
In a few moments, I'll be announcing some very significant changes our company will be undergoing in an effort to show you, our valued customers and shareholders, that we here at SuperMega Corp genuinely care. But first, allow me to take this opportunity to remind you of all the reasons why you've been using our various services for nearly a century now. Our products are manufactured under the strict regulations of the governments of third-world countries globally, assembled with the utmost care by trained professionals in perspiration-reduced facilities, using materials that cannot be used in the United States so that we can keep our prices down, for you! Our customer service staff, which can be reached after navigating briefly through our two-hour automated system (which, I might add, can assess what words you're saying into your telephone with an astounding 30% accuracy rate... beat that, Sony!), are able to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and they're in India, so if you need to call on a holiday, they've got you covered! And the fact that these customer service agents can barely speak English grants you the much-needed opportunity to search the Internet and tinker with your defective product long enough to figure things out and solve the problem yourself. We here at SuperMega Corp believe that being given such an opportunity to gain an intimate understanding of how your complex household appliances work only strengthens the quality of our products. Our company is also caring enough to extend lines of credit to our customers, so you can shop now and pay later! And if you can't afford the payments, we'll sell your debt to a collection agency, who will tack on a small 600% interest fee and harass you endlessly until you either succumb, or end up in court, where a Judge with little or no respect for you (unlike SuperMega Corp) will order local law enforcement to garnish your wages. This way, you don't need to spend time trying to find bills, or getting the run-around each time you ask the debt collection agency for an address where you can send a payment to. In the end, SuperMega Corp makes paying your bills a lot easier!
We here at SuperMega Corporation understand you. We hear your complaints, and we know that many of you feel that our company has been rapidly declining in quality over the past several decades, all while our profits seem to be skyrocketing upwards. That's why I will, as promised, announce several major changes that our company will be undertaking over the next seven quarters, all done in an effort to show you that we care. First and foremost, we'll be launching a website featuring social networking features, where customers and shareholders like yourself can vent about your frustrations regarding our commercial and industrial practices. We'll instruct our lower management personnel to check this website once every other month, in an effort to make sure that your voices are heard. We'll also be launching a Facebook page to make you feel more connected, and we'll be releasing an iPod app that lets you get technical support (and savings!) wherever you are. So if your car ends up breaking down or catching on fire, you can read a handy FAQ that explains what you can do to get help, extinguish yourself, or otherwise resolve the situation. We'll also be increasing the size of all the warning labels on the products that our internal team of analysts deem to be hazardous by as many as three millimeters. Another step we're taking is to develop focus testing, with a panel consisting of professionals from the meat, horse and dog racing, and oil industry to ensure that adequate steps are being taken to eliminate any animal cruelty practices undergone in our various research and industrial facilities. And our global staff will be happy to learn that we'll soon begin offering all of our products at a 0.01% discount, and that our minimum wage employees will be granted an opportunity to open a savings account through Epic Bank & Financial Solutions (a division of SuperMega Corp), with a whopping 0.004% interest rate and a very small service charge of only 23.8%! And since our multi-billion dollar global corporation can't afford to offer our minimum wage employees health, dental, or visual insurance, we are going to donate a staggering $9,000 to a free clinic in Detroit over the course of the next ninety months, to prove that we care. This charitable act is in no way related to any last ditch efforts to bring our tax exemptions down by a marginal percentage to reach 0% owed, either, we swear! We swear because we care! I will also be personally taking a 15% decrease in my salary, down to a mere $8.9 million in annual pay, while also decreasing my annual bonuses from $45 million to $44.9 million. The smallest of my three yachts will have all of its gold-plated cutlery replaced with silver-plated cutlery, too! We all need to make sacrifices moving forward, not just our customers, our shareholders, and our minimum-wage employees.
And now for the biggest announcement of them all. SuperMega Corporation has suffered countless blows to our reputation in the past several decades, particularly from the 1980's onward, and with all of the recent developments in the past few months and years, our staff of public relations and marketing experts have assured us that this next step will improve customer satisfaction while bringing a smile to the faces of our honored shareholders. Effective as of June 1st 2011, SuperMega Corporation will be known globally as... wait for it! MegaSuper Corporation! That's right, we're changing our century-old name, just for you! Global industry leaders like AIG, Radioshack, Philip Morris (Altria), Valuejet (Airtran), Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Nissan Motors have all proven the effectiveness of a name change, and after nearly 50,000 collective man-hours of research, brainstorming, and general debate, we here at SuperMega Corporation have decided to follow in their wise footsteps in an effort to satisfy our customers, services clientele, and shareholders. We're confident that you're as excited about this awe-inspiring change as we are! This $2.3 billion name was difficult to develop, requiring dedicated work from some of the smartest minds at SuperMega Corp, but we're very confident in the final outcome of their challenging task. And since we're using some bailout money to pay for this name change process, you can feel like you're involved at the ground level!
Thank you for taking the time to read this very important letter from SuperMega Corp. Or should I say, MegaSuper Corp! Looking ahead, we're quite confident that the countless changes our company will undergo over the next two to three years will make our customers feel happy, our service clientele feel secure, and our shareholders feel as though they've made a wise investment. We look forward to seeing you on your next visit to any of the thousands of stores and/ or offices belonging to our 291 different divisions. And remember, SuperMega Corp cares!
Phil T. Dujbeg
SuperMega Corporation Intl.