Dear Customer and/ or Valued Shareholder,
It appears that some of you have expressed to our customer service department your dismay over our involvement in the anti-union bills recently presented in Wisconsin and Ohio. Some of you are wondering why MegaSuper Corp would invest in the anti-union debate, when it regards public unions and not private ones. Well, friends, I'm here to explain to you why we've invested such a heavy interest in this legislation, and why our efforts were made with you, our customers and valued shareholders, in mind!
Unions are a terrible scourge that threaten the ability of our free markets to compete on a global scale. The priviledge for workers to collectively bargain does little more than drive up our operational costs, costs which end up affecting the prices in our thousands of stores and offices in all of our 291 different divisions. Well, to be fair, only twelve of our divisions are actually unionized, and only thirty thousand of our two million employees worldwide belong to unions. But we prevent our other 1,970,000 employees from joining or creating unions because we don't want to see your prices go up! Some of you have illustrated how our executives earn an average of $29 million in salaries and bonuses, and how we've posted 325% increases in net profits every fiscal year since 2007 which could easily pay for better compensation for our workers. But that just proves that we know what we're doing, doesn't it? And if we take away from those net profits, how can we contribute the hundreds of dollars we give to charity every year?
Unlike other multi-billion dollar corporations, we here at MegaSuper Corp don't have a profit motive. Instead, we have a savings motive! That's why our army of lawyers and lobbyists are fighting diligently to eradicate the federal minimum wage, to rid the nation of pesky safety and product quality regulations, to get rid of the unions, and to wipe out all of our tax liabilities, as our success in these fields will pass the savings on to you! Did you know that well over 1.5 million of our employees earn a staggering $7.25 per hour? $7.25 every hour! When my great grandfather opened our first department store in 1902, he paid his employees twenty cents per hour, and you know what? None of them complained about it! $8 per week kept them well fed and with roofs over their heads, because they knew how to stretch a dollar back then. If unionized, the salaries of our employees could potentially skyrocket to a painful $9 per hour. Do they really need a lavish salary of $360 per week? around $18,000 per year? You could buy an economy car for that much money! And before you know it, they'll force us to offer health benefits too. We already offer all of our employees an incredibly low-cost health insurance plan, through our own insurance division, that only costs our employees $500 per month, and with a ridiculously low 90% co-pay. It doesn't seem fair to me that we should be forced to lower that price or contribute to their benefits. And I'll bet you agree!
Okay, you're probably asking what any of this has to do with public unions. First and foremost, we believe that stripping public unions of collective bargaining rights will bring us one step closer to doing the same for private unions, which will let us lower the prices of your products. But as our motto indicates, MegaSuper Corp cares. Our next move will be to privatize the services otherwise offered in the public sector! Imagine how much better your life would be if, for the low-low price of just $4,000 per year, you could have your children educated in one of our thousands of stores? Your child could get the education of a lifetime... while you shop! And for the staggeringly low price of just $2,000 per year, you would be able to buy police insurance, and our well-trained police officers could protect you from criminals! That's right, your purchase of police insurance means law enforcement is working for you! Why should the police save some poor person from an intruder in their home, while you're suffering from those annoying college students that live down the street and park in front of your house? With our plans to privatize the police departments of the nation, the police will be freed up to serve and protect you, when you need it!
This would extend across the board, too. Firefighters can be freed to help you get your pet out of a tree, and if someone's house is burning down, too bad for them! They should have purchased fire protection insurance! And why should your children be forced to cross the street with poor kids? That's how head lice is spread, you know. Well, with crossing guard insurance, you can rid yourself of that problem, too! Yes, the world would be a much better, safer, more efficient place if the private sector were to replace the public one. And MegaSuper Corp would be your number one provider of all of these essential services! Have an emergency? Our automated system and our call centers in India and Taiwan will make sure you recieve help in the nick of time, every time!
Thank you for taking the time to read this very important message from MegaSuper Corp. We just wanted to make sure you knew that we're fighting the evil unions for you, with only your best interests in mind! We will continue investing millions into Republican and Tea Party candidates, and our lobbyists will keep fighting the good, anti-regulatory fight, to make sure that you, our customers and valued shareholders, can sleep a bit easier tonight knowing that the next time you go shopping for toothpaste or Charlie Sheen movies on Blu-Ray, your prices won't explode by an overwhelming three cents! I believe that all of this is further evidence that our motto is the truth: SuperMega Corp cares!
Phil T. Dujbeg
SuperMega Corporation Intl.