Dear customer and/ or valued shareholder,
As the 2012 Presidential race is shifting into gear, we here at MegaSuper Corp felt it was important to remind all of you of the good the Republican party has done for us in the past thirty years. We're proudly announcing today that we'll be endorsing whatever Republican candidate wins the GOP nomination, and we'll be throwing the weight of all of our lobbyists and PAC-power behind them. Speaking of weight, have you tried the new Burgernator 9000 at MegaSuper Corp's subsidiary McWendy King? Four one-pounder burgers stacked on each other with three layers of cheese per burger, topped with bacon, more cheese, more bacon, a sausage patty, relish, more bacon, lettuce and tomato (it's healthy!), more cheese, another sausage patty, more bacon, and smothered in A1 sauce, ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard, more relish, barbecue sauce, bacon sauce, and topped off with more bacon, on our all-new Bacon Banger Buns (TM)... 9,000 calories to power you through that mid-day snack you're craving! And it's on our dollar menu! Couple that with our all new meat fries (cooked in 103% pork fat) and a 92 oz. soft drink, and you've got yourself an incredible meal that will keep the average American channel surfing for several hours! We also have the new Burgernator 5000 Kid's Meal, with toys made by ToyCo, a subsidiary of MegaSuper Corp, now with 12% less lead!
Where was I? Oh right, the 2012 elections! MegaSuper Corp is proud to announce our sponsorship of the Republican candidate in the upcoming 2012 Presidential elections. Why the Republicans, you ask? Let's be honest, folks... Republicans have been good to us, especially in the past thirty-plus years. Their mantra that corporations are more important than, and deserve more rights than, the American people have really helped MegaSuper Corp push the envelope and develop new methods of exploding our profits. And Paul Ryan's budget plan will help us push said envelope even further, reducing the taxes of our executives by a whopping 10%. Republicans are great for corporate business, and the sooner we can destroy small businesses, the sooner we can pass the savings on to you! I mean really, they're just "small" businesses. We all know you have to be big to be important. Some people say "it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean," but come on. The bigger boat can smash the littler boat, and are you more likely to tip over during a storm in a canoe, or an aircraft carrier? And besides, which do you think a hot babe is more likely to be impressed by? A dainty little kayak? Or a 120 ft. super yacht with dollar signs on a huge golden flag flying at the bow? Us yacht owners have a saying... the bigger the boat, the bigger the... wait, let's get back on the topic at hand!
Some of you are probably saying "well, Democrats are pretty good for corporations, too." That's sort of true, but who would you rather go to a bachelor party with? The guy who pays for the stripper and a few dozen Yager-bombs, or the guy who brings the Bacardi Breezers and moans about respecting your fiancee while you're cramming money into a leopard-print thong? That latter guy? Yep, that's the Democrat. The kind of guy who calls the police to his own house party. No thanks! Democrats help workers, while Republicans help big business. It's just a fact. Take it from me, folks. MegaSuper Corp could buy every Wal-Mart store in the world and turn them all into money storage facilities. I know what I'm talking about here! Republicans are better for big business than Democrats, hands-down, bar none!
So then, why should you care who we're endorsing for President? How does this effect our customers or our valued shareholders? That's simple, really: it's all about the American dream, folks. Don't believe the nonsense you learned in elementary school about how capitalism is defined as two rival ice cream parlors balancing supply and demand and working hard to peacefully compete for clients. That's all utter nonsense. Capitalism is all about making as much money as you can, however you can... whoever dies with the most toys wins! It's all about business ethics. Those are the real laws of the land. And according to business ethics, absolutely crushing and obliterating your opposition is the real name of the game. When one of those ice cream parlor owners burns down their rival parlor's building, and gets kids in Malaysia to mass-produce waffle cones for cents on the dollar, THAT is REAL capitalism. Anything less is nothing more than socialism. And everyone who tries to support the efforts of small businesses to fight off big businesses like MegaSuper Corp is a pinko commie threat to the American Dream! You don't want to support a bunch of Marxists, do you? That's why you need to vote with us for the Republican Presidential nominee!
And so, in honor of our pledge to help the Republican party however we can in 2012, we here at MegaSuper Corp are going to make a pretty impressive offer to our billions of customers worldwide. If you pull into any of our thousands of gas stations with a pro-Republican bumper sticker on your car, you'll get a 10% discount on gasoline and diesel fuel! If you enter any of our stores with a pro-Republican t-shirt, you'll get a 10% discount on anything and everything in the store. And if you actually votefor a Republican using MegaSuper Corp's new BallotBuster 5000 computer polling device (much akin to the ones we used in Florida in 2000), you'll get a personalized coupon, printed straight from the machine itself, that lets you get 10% off any MegaSuper Corp product or service, including loans, mortgages, cars... you name it!
Why are we doing all of this? Because MegaSuper Corp cares. We care about our profits enough to know that our earning as much money as possible is going to trickle down to your pockets. We care about the future. Your future. Our future. And speaking of the future, did you know that you can save up to 80% on your future car insurance bills by switching to UberAwesome Insurance Company, a subsidiary of MegaSuper Corp? It doesn't get much more caring than that!
Phil T. Dujbeg
MegaSuper Corporation Intl.
PS. - Some of the talking heads in the lamestream media have been mispronouncing my last name. It starts with a "doo" sound, not a "duh" sound. Just wanted to clarify that for our future newsletters!