When I first heard last week about the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) publishing advice on their website in regards to surviving a zombie apocalypse, I laughed so hard I nearly burst a rather delicious blood vessel. But the laughter stopped as soon as I fully read the article, and came to realize that the CDC failed to deliver the most crucial, critical information needed by the people who aren't infected by the disease. This article will correct the mistakes made by the CDC in their article, and if you're ever faced with a zombie apocalypse, this information, coupled with that from the CDC, will most likely save your life, making this the most important article you're ever going to read on the Internet in your life, hands-down!
Why would the CDC publish a survival guide about a zombie apocalypse? Simply put, it draws attention to a government website most of you have never visited, and otherwise never would. The advice they offer is handy for any number of disasters -- tsunamis, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, rioting, the next Madonna movie release -- and publishing an article about a possible zombie apocalypse might just save lives.
And yes, a zombie apocalypse is definitely possible. Have you ever talked to someone who watches Fox News more than eight hours per day? Give that a try, and you'll think it isn't only possible, but likely! Sorry, I couldn't resist! But this apparent likelihood of a zombie apocalypse reveals several critical flubs in the CDC's advice. By not taking zombies seriously, they've left out the most important information you could ever read about surviving a sudden infestation of brain-hungry toe-draggers. But have no fear, Matt Rock is here! Without further ado, here's some crucial, life-saving information that can get you through a zombie apocalypse in one piece... literally!
Stay quiet and hidden. Zombies are attracted to noise, and they can see you if you get within around twenty meters or so. Try to avoid breaking any windows, setting off car alarms, or turning on jukeboxes loaded with music by the band Queen.
Arm yourself. Any weapon will do, and it's important to remember that common household items and objects found in the street can mean the difference between having brains and not having brains. If the options are available to you, try arming yourself with shotguns, shovels, chain saws, baseball bats, screwdrivers, and a Lady Gaga CD. Lady Gaga's music is well known to drive zombies totally bonkers, forcing them to eat each other. It might just save you some time!
Bring a ditzy, scantily-clad teenage girl with you. It's a well-established fact that scantily-clad teenage girls are always the first ones to get eaten by zombies, especially if they're blonde. Stock up on attractive blonde teenagers wearing skin-tight clothes that reveal entirely too much, and you'll have a whole army of red shirts to throw into the zombie hordes, buying you some much-needed time! But make sure she isn't too bright, though. The smarter they are, the less likely they are to get eaten, and if they survive, you won't.
Don't hover! If you kill a zombie, run the [expletive] away. Don't walk up to it, prod it with a stick, and sigh in relief, because the zombie is just going to jump up and eat your brains as soon as you think the coast is clear. Not that it'll be a filling meal, since you just walked up to something that had died and come back to life, only to die again. Leave. It. Alone.
Stay away from science labs. This one is a given, isn't it? If a scientist tries talking you into visiting their lab to see a zombie in a sedated state, that's typically a good time to turn around and walk the other way. Ignore this advice at your own peril, but don't say I didn't warn you!
Remove the head or destroy the brain. The most important zombie advice anyone could ever give you! You can pump ninety shotgun shells into a zombie's chest, and they'll keep limping toward you. When killing a zombie, make sure you completely remove the head, or smash the head until the zombie's brain is little more than a glob of goo. There isn't zombie-slaying advice more suitable for ending an article with!
Good luck, godspeed, and do visit the CDC website for more lifesaving advice, for a zombie apocalypse or for whatever other disasters you might be unfortunate enough to endure. Oh, and if you have any zombie survival tips of your own, please feel free to comment below!