Hi there, America!
There's been a lot of talk recently about Anthony Weiner showing me off on the Internet, and I'm pretty sure some of you have that picture of me lazing around in my hammock. The big guy upstairs has gotten a lot of flack for his Internet shenanigans, and that obviously reflects on me, so I wanted to take this opportunity to set the record straight and speak on Anthony's behalf. It's the least I can do for getting him into this mess!
Anthony isn't to blame for showing me off on the Internet. I am. I take full responsibility for it. Ladies, you might not understand this, but sometimes, a guy's downstairs brain needs to override the upstairs brain and make an executive decision, and yes, sometimes that does involve whipping it out in public. Every guy on the planet Earth, in the history of time, has done something stupid with their junk at least once. The guys who try to tell you they haven't are the ones you don't want to sit next to on the subway, if you catch my drift. I forced Anthony to show me off on the Internet a few times, and if you really need to be upset with someone, be upset with me. I'm standing at full attention for this, and I'm ready to penetrate every conversation on the subject!
To be frank, I don't know what all the hubbub is about. Look at the stuff other elected officials have done, and tell me just how bad this was! I didn't make Anthony actually sleep with these women, or have any real physical contact with any of them. He wasn't tapping his foot in an airport bathroom stall, he wasn't hiking the Appalachian trail, he wasn't hiring expensive call girls, and he wasn't sexting with young male Congressional Pages. All he did was show off some pictures of me, mostly to women who weren't exactly complaining about it. And I was covered up, too!
His wife should be peeved, and I'm bracing myself for impact every time she passes me in the hallway, but seriously America, other than her, what's any of this have to do with you? Anthony's one of the only legislators around who actually tells it like it is... if you're hoping to force him into retirement, I'm guessing it's because you don't like facing the facts, facts that he presents regularly... more regularly than he presents me. So be upset that he did something stupid. Feel bad for his wife. But don't try to force him out of office. We need more Weiner's in politics, not less. And another thing. Anthony is a busy guy. He never has time to play with me anymore. So those moments we get to share together, they need to be special. I think we deserve that, don't we? Who are you to pull us apart?!
After reading this letter from me, you're probably aroused in all the wrong ways. Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I've been dishing out the rock-hard truth in this letter. I'm not saying these things to get a rise out of you... I'm just telling it like it is, and if you can't handle me, it's because you're a limp debater. So go ahead, say whatever you want about me. Call me whatever names you can jerk my way... I can take it, and they might be fitting. But you know what? I might be a tool, but at least I'm not Andrew Brietbart.
Anthony Weiner's Weiner
[dictated but not read]