[HELL] Protests gathered this morning in the seventh circle of Hell as condemned souls voiced their concerns that the fiery netherworld has not made adequate preparations for freezing over, in the offset chance that Michele Bachmann should win her bid for the Presidency. Blanket and winter jacket sales rapidly increased by 417% when Bachmann announced her Presidential run, but Lucifer continues to claim that the issue "isn't serious," and that "there's no way in Hell Michele Bachmann is going to win the Presidency."
The Department of Central Heating and Despair issued this brief statement to address the concerns of Hell freezing over. "Michele Bachmann isn't going to win the Presidential election up in the mortal world. We're throwing our weight behind the GOP failing in 2012 so they can win big in 2016, causing unprecedented levels of strife and misery when they claim victory that year. We oversaw the fall of the Roman Empire and George W. Bush's 2000 election bid, so the DCHD is ten steps ahead of the mortals. Have a little faith in us, because it was your lack of faith that brought you here!"
Temperatures in Hell have dropped rapidly in the past, most recently in 2008, when Barack Obama won the Presidency, though Hell has only once frozen over properly in this century, when the Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series. Prior to that, the last time Hell had frozen over was in 1903, when the Wright brothers left the ground in their flying machine for the first time. Despite the rarity, with Hell only freezing over once every 100 to 300 years, residents are concerned that Hell isn't prepared in the offset chance that Michele Bachmann or Sarah Palin could win the Presidency.
"If Bachmann and Palin get on a ticket together and win the Presidency, Hell will freeze over worse than it ever has before," said Grand Duke Eligos, speaking last night during an interview on the popular TV game show What can we fit into Hitler's Butt?. "I'm the only government official in Hell who seems to be taking this threat seriously. Snow and ice are so rare down here that we don't have adequate equipment to clear skull roads or give Chairman Mao his daily genital bonfire treatments."
Scientists believe that Hell freezes over when massive swaths of mortals say certain phrases out loud, including (but not limited to) "What the hell?", "I'll be damned!," and "(someone or something is) going to Hell in a handbasket!," hence the concerns of what might happen if Bachmann actually wins. It is also said to happen when nerdy teenagers have sexual intercourse with attractive people, when Youtube goes a full day without someone submitting cute kitten videos, and when McDonald's restaurant executives discuss the McRib sandwich becoming a permanent menu item.
Meanwhile in the mortal world, farmers have been working around the clock to make sure their pigs are securely contained within roofed pens. "It's rare that pigs fly," explained Jeb Whitney, 64, of Kansas, "But if that there Bachmann wins, we want to make sure the skies aren't littered with bacon. We get fined by the FAA when that happens."