Organized gangs of homosexuals, hellbent on destroying straight marriages and converting straight people to their orientation, are still roaming the streets this hour, and authorities admit that they have no leads. The gangs pose a serious risk to any straight couple, married or not, according to top Christians and Conservatives (who know more than scientists).
"I'm absolutely devastated," explained Janice Nyeve, 39, of San Francisco, California, "I loved my husband deeply, and I know he loved me, too. He was the perfect man. He was meticulously clean, extremely well-dressed, he always took me shopping and had the best advice, and he never pressured me for sex." With some sobbing, she continued. "But one night, he said he was going to the gym. I didn't think anything of it, because he went to the gym three times each day. But the next thing I know, he's calling me from Vermont and telling me he married Chad, his yoga instructor! There was absolutely nothing gay about my husband whatsoever. They brainwashed him!"
Janice is one of the sad, countless millions whose lives have been forever ruined by homosexuals turning straight people gay. Researchers believe the process involves giving a person a complete makeover, then taking them to a discotheque, and then back to a high-class loft apartment, where after watching several Barbara Streisand movies together, the homosexual will cast a magic spell on the heterosexual, most likely using pagan witchcraft. After this process is complete, the heterosexual will then be a homosexual, and will never desire heterosexual relations again.
"Sometimes, the spell doesn't work," warns Dr. Eve Hill, a psychologist and marriage-killer gang researcher in Texas. "If the spell is interrupted, the victim might only become bi-curious, which means they'll go for anyone. I don't need to explain the dangers involved in that!" When asked to explain the dangers involved in that, Dr. Hill refused to comment.
Yet despite the dangers presented to society by these homosexual gangs, authorities have yet to discover any quality leads that may assist them in bringing these gays and lesbians to justice. "We have some of our top men on the case," explained Captain Harris Mint of the Los Angeles Police Department. "We set up video surveillance on a lesbian couple believed to be turning straight women gay. Our men are so devoted to the case that all eight of them have refused to take their eyes off of their screens. And they keep asking for lotion and tissues to be brought to their offices, which tells me they're dried out from working so hard, and obviously emotionally distraught by what they're watching."
For the lives destroyed by homosexuals, authorities offer little consolation. "I miss my husband," explained Janice Nyeve. "I carry his picture with me everywhere I go. It's from a Halloween a few years ago. Him and some of his friends from the gym dressed up as a soldier, a biker, a police officer, a cowboy, a Native American, and a construction worker. They were having so much fun, walking arm-in-arm together like a scene from his favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. I see that picture and it breaks my heart. If you're reading this my love, I miss you. Please come home. I'll never tell you we can't sleep in separate beds again, either. I'll be more respectful of your back problems, I swear!"