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Sunday morning, Jesus Christ returned to the mortal world for a few hours with what appeared to be a primary goal of questioning the morality of, and then scorning the principals of, the Republican Party and the Tea Party. During his brief visit, Jesus healed nine sick people and allegedly threw eggs at the Westboro Baptist Church, encouraging his believers to do the same, but much of his time spent on Earth was consumed with dismantling the GOP platform and questioning the values of some of his loudest Conservative supporters.
"I couldn't take it anymore," explained Christ, 1,975, of Nazareth, Israel, speaking in front of a large crowd that gathered in Topeka, Kansas shortly after his arrival. "These people constantly using my name to support their bull-crap philosophies and confusing my most basic principals, I just couldn't sit around in heaven any longer."
"My message was that of sacrificing personal wealth to benefit the poor. I said people need to pay their taxes without whining about it, too. And never once did I say anything about abortion, or science, or hating homosexuals. These morons have been putting words in my mouth for far too long now, and while it isn't anything new, there's only so much a son of God can take before something needs to be said about this garbage."
After throwing five-dozen eggs at the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, Christ responded to questions from the press about what he thought of the most popular GOP figures making news today. "First off, Mitt Romney is a Mormon. [buzzer sound] wrong answer! Magical underwear doesn't save you from being a [expletive] [expletive]. Then there's that Michele Bachmann, what a joke she is. Let me tell you, as a person who happens to know God personally, God has never once sent her a message, and neither have I. If we did, she wouldn't be running for President, that's for sure. And don't even get me started on Palin. For the love of God, please don't let her publish any more books, the English vernacular can't take that much damage. And that Ann Coulter guy, he's a real hoot, too."
Christ went on to explain that his political views were strongly Liberal. "I mean, come on people, for real! Look at me! Long hair, a goatee, flip-flops...I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a Liberal, and that's before you even hear what I have to say. That doesn't mean I'm a Democrat, but I'm the polar opposite of a Republican. The fact that they try to speak on my behalf and use my name to push their ridiculous, offensive platform... they should be ashamed. I love everyone, that's sort of my thing. But that doesn't get these jerks off of my `people to slap' list. Seriously, I'm a pacifist, but if these morons keep making baseless claims about my beliefs, I'll pass a fist straight through them!"
Aggravated, Jesus disappeared in a flash of light and reemerged ten minutes later, claiming that he "left an upper decker in the bathroom" of the Westboro Baptist church, before dishing up high fives to people in the crowd. He then went for a walk with some of his real believers, explaining that his visit was a Father's Day present for his Dad, who was equally angered by the Conservative platform, and that accepting Jesus in order to gain admittance into Heaven was nothing more than a quote of his that was taken out of context, and that all good people, regardless of their faith, are accepted. Some people did oppose the visit, however.
"I can't wait for him to leave," announced Conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck, during a special broadcast during this morning's visit. "I mean, the guy is obviously a socialist. Healing the sick? They don't have health insurance, that sure sounds like Marxist Obamacare to me! And he kicked over the tables of the money counters, so he's obviously a pro-regulation, anti-business commie pinko abortionist! Where's his birth certificate? He's just another illegal immigrant trying to take martyrdom jobs from hard-working Americans! Reverend Wright! Anthony Weiner! Death Panels!"
Jesus arrived at approximately 7:52 am EST, and stayed on Earth until exactly 12:00 pm EST, when he yelled "Peace!" and erupted into a ball of white and blue light, quickly vanishing into thin air and leaving behind only his sandals. During his visit, Christ made no reference of when his next visit would be. The Vatican is expected to release a statement regarding the unexpected visit sometime later today.
