(Hollywood, CA) Goodwill Ambassador, Academy Award winner, and Octomom look-a-like Angelina Jolie filed papers this morning in an attempt to adopt President Barack Obama, according to her family lawyer. The White House confirmed the story an hour later, claiming that both First Lady Michelle Obama and White House Chief of Staff William Daley were "mulling it over," to determine whether the adoption would benefit or hinder the President's work and 2012 campaign efforts.
"Angelina has been considering this adoption for several months," explained her father, actor Jon Voight. "She really appreciates the work the President has done, and wanted to do something special for him. At the same time, like all liberals, there are things about the President she's unhappy with, so as Barack's adopted mother, Angelina is hoping she can deliver him a stern talking to about Darfur, Gitmo, rendition, the Patriot Act, and other hot-button issues."
After Newsvine's interview team gagged a little upon remembering that terrible scene from the film Deliverance, and then all took cold showers to rinse the pain away, we continued questioning the legendary actor. "Don't worry, that happens all of the time," explained Voight, offering us a seat and a few wet wipes before finishing. "So anyway, yeah, I think my daughter and [Brad Pitt] will be very capable and loving `First Parents,' and I'm looking forward to bouncing my newest grandson on my knee. I'm a Republican, but that won't change how I feel about [Obama] joining the family."
"I reckon this is everything Angie's ever wanted," said Jolie's second husband and Pushing Tin co-star Billy Bob Thornton. "I mean, [Obama] has everything she looks for in a kid, don't he? He was born in Africa, and, uh..." Thornton paused to slam down a bottle of Jack Daniels, while simultaneously popping the balloon of a child walking by, before ripping through a harmonica-powered pseudo-country version of Hail ot the Chief. "Yee haw! Where the [expletive] was I? Oh right, Obama. I voted for him, mainly because John McCain looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes. I prefer french fried taters. Why the [expletive] are you asking me about food? Do I look like a [expletive] chef to you?"
Some political analysts believe that President Obama's 2012 campaign, which looks quite strong compared to the current GOP field, would benefit vastly from Jolie's foreign affairs experience, and while many joke about how many children she's adopted over the years, those analysts also believe that Jolie is "a great parent," and would "help the President personally, as well as politically." However, some are opposed to the adoption idea.
"I'm not saying [Jolie] is a racist, but it seems like she only adopts foreign kids that aren't white, and to me, that makes her a racist," explained conservative radio host Bill Rushbeck. "I mean, how many languages do they speak in Brangelina's house? This is America! Those kids should speak American! And now she wants to become `Mombama?' This is obviously the commie liberal socialist Islamic caliphate making Sharia anchor baby laws against hard-working pro-life real Americans! This is Hollywood liberal elitism at its finest, folks. Pure unfiltered hatred of our Constitution! Did you ever read the Constitution, Brangelina? It says you can't adopt the President of the United States! Do I need to write that on a chalkboard for you? Karl Marx! 9/11! Hackers!"
In 2009, an unconfirmed story came out that claimed that Jolie had said President Obama was a "socialist," and that she and Brad Pitt had major arguments about his administration, though those stories came from an unidentified source and may have been fake news, which some analysts claim is the worst kind of news, because it isn't real. Some also believe the adoption may involve her ambitions of playing the role of President Obama in a future film, which may win her a second Academy Award. It still isn't clear whether or not the adoption procedure will go through, however, and legal teams from both California and Washington DC are currently investigating whether or not the 36-year old superstar can legally adopt a 49-year old man.