(GOLDSHIRE, AZEROTH) President Barack Obama's World of Warcraft character, a level 85 night elf druid named "Blackninja_1600," was reportedly kicked out of his guild, Legislatin' Fools, on the Antonidas server late last evening, after he failed to offer adequate "heals" to fellow guild member and resident tank, Speaker John Boehner, whose screen name is "Hard_Boehner69," during a guild raid in the infamous "Blackwing Descent" dungeon.
"It was a crazy night, lots of guild drama," explained a shaken Nancy Pelosi, AKA the level 85 gnome rogue "Sanfran_blade0_treat," speaking about the incident this morning via Skype. "We got to the first boss, and Boehner was like `dude, heal me!', but Obama was all like `Out of mana stfu!' But then Boehner was like `Oh, check out OBAMACARE! FAIL!' and then we wiped. It was terrible."
"Dude, Boehner was totally nerd-raging," explained majority leader Eric Cantor, whose wow character is the Draenei Paladin "Eric_thuntor." "Yeah, we wiped, and I usually have Boehner's back. And yeah, Obama was noobing out, there's no denying that. But seriously, WTF? He was all screaming and junk on Teamspeak. His mom was in the background telling him to chill. It was so embarrassing, but also hilarious."
However, the ROFLCOPTER came to an abrupt landing half-way through the raid dungeon, when Vice President Joe Biden's Dwarf Hunter character "Scranton_Jenkins_007" caused the group's second wipe. Sources claim that shortly after the group "rezzed" (resurrected) and joined up inside the dungeon, Boehner was formulating a new plan to tackle the dungeon's next boss. However, Biden reportedly turned his voice chat microphone on, and after screaming "JOOOOOOE BIIIIIIDENNNN!", he charged into the next room of Blackwing Descent, "pulling" all of the monsters in that room back to the unprepared group and causing them all to wipe a second time.
Infuriated, Boehner angrily logged off, and when he came back online three minutes later, he demanded that the group try again. But after following Boehner's instructions to the letter, the group failed to take down the boss a third time, and at that point, Speaker Boehner really lost control.
"He was like, yelling at everyone and blaming the President for everything," explained Sarah Palin, a human hunter named "Grizzly_hockymom" (not a typo). "The next thing we knew, Boehner kicked Obama out of the guild! I didn't mind though, because (Obama) pals around with Orcs. They're The Horde, our mortal enemies, don't-cha-know."
Shortly after Boehner ejected President Obama from the guild, more than a dozen fellow members of Legislatin' Fools decided to quit the guild, claiming that Boehner was "out of control" and "a pretty crappy GM (Guild Master)." It is unclear whether the guild will survive, disband, or join one of the other guilds on the server.
"All I know is that they're all crazy," claims Ron Paul, who plays a Worgen Priest named "Texaswolfgop." "Boehner was being [expletive] nuts, but Obama is totally a noob healer. I mean, he's got blue gear. Blue gear! I think he has a few greens, too! He doesn't have a good enough gear score for raids! I don't know though, I don't inspect his gear every chance I get. Whatever though, last night was an epic fail. I'm glad these stupid [expletive] noobs quit. We'll just LFG and PUG it next time!"
