It saddens me that you're leaving the airwaves tonight. Having only just returned to writing satire near the end of your reign as a Fox pundit, I feel as though I missed out on years of jokes and funny commentary at your expense, and as you'll most surely cry on your broadcast tonight, you should know that I will be one of the only true liberals crying right alongside you. For different reasons, of course, but tears just the same.
It feels like only yesterday we were watching your eyes, a camera zoomed in upon your brow tightly enough that we could truly basque in your inner lunatic, close enough to your lashes than in HD, we almost felt as though we could lick our televisions and taste your salty tears. I'm sure some people even tried that day, many of whom were likely your biggest fans. For the past several years, particularly after you made your transition to Fox, we watched you cry, engage in radical hyperbole, cry, write on your chalkboard, cry, and warn all of us about the gay abortionist agenda working through the Sharia caliphate to undermine the horsey sauce at Arby's, or whatever it was you were trying to relay to us. It was hard to tell what you were saying with all of that sobbing.
Some listened to your words and built bunkers in their backyards. Others knew you were crazy, but defended you for the sheer sake of defending you. Most of us? We laughed with you, knowing your Kaufman-style performance art was comedy of a caliber well before its time, and of a depth and air of legitimacy well beyond that of your contemporaries, like Stephen Colbert. No one who truly appreciates the fine craft of comedy could have possibly believed you were being serious when you claimed you were considering murdering Michael Moore, or calling the President a racist, or that stem cell research would lead to the development of a "master race." We knew you were kidding. Nobody is that crazy.
And so, I'm writing this open letter to inform you that you, sir, are a comedic genius. A performer of a quality unsurpassed by any other person alive today, or that of any individual or troupe that has risen from the media age as a whole. You were a key contributor to the absolutism and fervent, unrivaled vitriol spewing out of the right wing today, and I view that as the tactical operation of a brilliant liberal strategist as well, carefully crafting the most insane, hateful, violent, and despicable oral flatulence ever concocted and blasted onto the airwaves. You largely caused and aided the rise of the Tea Party, and the polarization of the GOP, all of which helps liberal ideology in ways few will ever fathom. And I dare say that all liberals, myself acknowledging this here and hoping to be joined by others, owe you a debt of gratitude we quite frankly can never repay.
I'm not sure what will happen to you tomorrow, but surely you'll take the cutting edge of lunacy to new heights, spreading your unique genre of comedic-crazy to other realms of our culture. A cooking show with an onion theme, perhaps? Or maybe you'll host a reality game show where contestants vie for a million-dollar prize by being the first person to fill a two-liter soda bottle with your waterworks? I have no way of knowing. What I can tell you, though, is this: we true appreciators of high-caliber insanity-based comedy will be waiting to see what freshly-maniacal espousals you render upon us down that lonesome road. We pray it isn't a cul-de-sac.
If Keith Olbermann might offer me this small liberty...
Glenn Beck: Today's funniest person IN THE WORLD!
Columnist/ Satirist, Newsvine
Chief of Staff, Pardon the Pundit