I'm General George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. I'm writing to you today from the afterlife, communicating via this bizarre children's board game called a "Ouija Board" that Matt Rock and the fine folks at Newsvine have set up, so that I could address you via something called an "Internet," whatever the heck that is. Oh, Tyler and Sophie totally bumped the table that time, I saw it! Anyway, I wanted to send you a special Independence Day message from me, and from all of the Founding Fathers. I hope this message is well-received, and that you will enjoy reading my words as much as I am enjoying watching them magically appear on that odd light-producing picture-showing contraption.
America is currently experiencing an era of great turmoil and financial upheaval, and to many of you, It seems things couldn't get much worse. Some of you feel that President Oh... uh... Obama? Did I say that correctly? You people elected a guy with a name like that, did you? Anyway, where was I? Yes, some of you feel that President Obama is good at his job, while others feel he's... oh come on, really? You're pulling my leg, right? You elected a black President? I didn't see that one coming! Hey Jefferson! I owe you a Benjamin! Oh be quiet, Franklin, go back to pouting about our not making the turkey the national bird, you [expletive] [expletive]. Anyway, let's just skip over this subject for now, shall we?
So anyway, yes, America is suffering through a time of hardship and dismay. But the one thing that truly makes America exceptional, the one thing that no statistic or politician or amount of money can draw upon for comparison, is the genuine American spirit and the willingness of the American people to pull together to overcome the austerity of adversity. To buckle down as a nation undivided and to pull in the same direction to recover the wagon from its proverbial ditch. Yes, they know what wagons are, Mr. Inventor. Seriously, someone gag Franklin before I'm forced to slap a [expletive]!
Regardless of your views of politics, or your desires for governance, or your expectations of elected officials, Most Americans are equally interested in what is best for the United States. You may have different views on how to accomplish those goals than the person standing next to you. You may feel some officials are less worthy of their office, while your neighbors may feel differently. But this July 4th, I ask that all Americans celebrate not the course of the nation, or its vivid and fascinating history, or its traditions and cultural customs. I ask that you celebrate the American spirit, for all that is is worth, and in all of its true glory. Because as heated as our discourse may become, and as vitriolic as some Americans defend their opinions, the American spirit rests inside all of us. You are Brothers. Sisters. Friends. The United States is, and forever shall remain, a family. And if you can set aside your petty differences for this one day, perhaps you will find it easier to tug that wagon in the same direction tomorrow. You may not always agree. In fact, you might never agree. But the goal remains the same, and the American spirit which binds all of the great citizens of this nation must never sway or dim.
In closing, John Adams has asked that he get an opportunity to address you, so please welcome... what? We're out of time? Oh, sorry Adams. You'll get to next year, I promise! Oh good lord, stop crying, you sound like that idiot Franklin. Meem-meem-meem, `I'm always second, wah!' What a [expletive]!
Anyway, please have a happy, fun, and safe Independence Day. Enjoy your hot dogs or Tofurkey burgers... what the [expletive] is a Tofurkey? And try not to blow off any fingers, too, it sucks when that happens! Be sure to have a designated driver this evening as well! Thank you for reading, and may God bless the United States of America!
Let's get this party started!
General George Washington
1st President of the United States of America