In a shocking announcement made via a joint press release issued by numerous mainstream media outlets this morning, including CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, the BBC, AP, and Reuters, the "not guilty" verdict in the Casey Anthony trial has resulted in a tremendous volume of global catastrophes of immeasurable scale and tragedy.
"Shortly after the jury delivered their verdict, we discovered that millions of children around the world are starving, that the global economy is experience widespread upheaval, that Americans have lost millions of jobs, and that there are a number of diseases killing people all around the world, including one called `AIDS' and another called `Cancer,' which apparently do not have cures yet. There are numerous wars happening in nearly every corner of the Earth, terrorist organizations looking to kill innocent people, and rumors that Madonna might be making a new film. This is terrible news, and is obviously related specifically to the Casey Anthony trial."
Some analysts argue that all of the problems the press has seemingly discovered did exist prior to the Casey Anthony trial, and that the media was simply oblivious to those issues due to their overwhelming coverage of the story. However, the media was quick to defend itself from such accusations, pointing out the incredible historical relevance of the Casey Anthony verdict, and how something that important very well could cause all of those problems.
"If those issues existed prior to the Casey Anthony verdict, why didn't we know about it?" asked Kara P. Nuse, 37, of the League of Extraordinary Journalists. "We're being accused of covering this story so heavily that we simply forgot the rest of the world existed. But is it even remotely possible we could have covered it so intensely that we forgot what the world was like prior to Casey Anthony verdict? No, it isn't. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, Casey Anthony was found NOT GUILTY! Holy [expletive]-balls! How will we live? One day at a time I suppose. One day at a time."
Meanwhile, Vice President Joe Biden and Congresswoman Michele Bachmann have seemingly formed an unlikely alliance this morning, with rumors circulating that, inspired by a Garfield comic strip they both apparently read recently, they will work together to have a bill introduced in Congress that would box up Casey Anthony and mail her to Abu Dhabi, though some analysts and pundits warn that Ms. Anthony will somehow manage to find her way back to the United States, which might result in Biden and Bachmann experiencing a denial of lasagna and a bad case of the Mondays.
In a related story, Nancy Grace, host of the Headline News show "The Missing White Girl Hour," is said to have mysteriously vanished shortly after the announcement of the Casey Anthony verdict. Sources claim she removed a large combat knife from her desk, carved the words "there is no fate but what you make" into her desk top, and then stormed off in an outfit eerily similar to that worn by Sarah Conner in the film Terminator 2: Judgment Day. However, other reports indicate that shortly thereafter, authorities spotted her dangling from the George Washington bridge in New York City, apparently shouting that she "had nothing to live for." Those same authorities said "they'll get around to helping her, maybe, in a day or two, if she's still up there anyway, maybe, or whatever."