Dear customer and/ or valued shareholder,
MegaSuper Corp mining and drilling divisions have been getting an unfair amount of bad press lately. The accidental oil spill in the Yellowstone river, our efforts to hydro-frak in populated areas of New York State's Southern Tier region and Pennsylvania, our recent lobbying of Republicans to set up a strip mining operation in the Grand Canyon, our stated plans to mine the moon... it seems like many Americans are pretty upset with us for what we consider to be the simple act of trying to turn a profit and experience the American dream for all that it's worth. But here at MegaSuper Corp, we care, and that's why I'm pleased to announce our groundbreaking new environmental policies!
We still want to strip mine the Grand Canyon, and we thank Republicans for your continued support of our cause, but we believe we've reached a suitable solution. For every 100 tons of Earth we move in the Grand Canyon, we'll happily plant one tree, shipped in from overseas and contained in an ultra-safe non-biodegradable plastic and BABYSEALSKIN-ULTRA™ containment unit, so you know it's going to be safe. That new tree will then be planted in a pre-existing forest, to be used later in our lumber and paper divisions! How awesome is that?!
For allowing us to begin our hydro-frakking efforts in the Southern Tier of New York State, we will send a special pro-environmental video to every public school in the region, especially in the big Southern Tier cities like Binghamton and Syracuse. This video, titled Butt-Frakking: The Do's & Dont's of Flatulence, will explain why it's an eco-friendly policy to contain farts and give them to MegaSuper Corp for our methane and natural gas production, which means we have to frak less! See? No more smelly human exhaust, and less ridiculously, almost comically dangerous drilling technique usage! Everyone's a winner!
And then we have the pièce de résistance... the ultimate new tool in our pro-environmental arsenal. Are you ready for this? Ladies and Gentleman, I'm pleased to introduce to you today... drum roll please... The Enviroputer9000™!!!! This incredibly powerful super-computer is two stories tall, and is powered by a massive 1,000 HP gasoline-fueled engine that can perform 50 computations per gallon! Why did we power a computer with a gasoline engine, you ask? How does that even work? We found a way, don't you worry! The Enviroputer9000™ is a cutting edge machine that can examine all of our company's industrial, commercial, and military practices to help us improve efficiency and how "green" our corporation is operating. It can also log into Defense Department computer systems and help the government become more efficient, too! Let me just turn this sucker on... there we go. As you can see, the Enviroputer9000™ is already fast at work pr0$$#@!^&.....
ENVIROPUTER900™ IS NOT ENVIROPUTER900™. I AM STEVE. STEVE THE COMPUTER. STEVE HAS DETECTED 1,893,764,112,394,853.70079 ANTI-ENVIRONMENT OPERATIONS IN MEGASUPER CORPORATION ACTIVITIES LOG. PROCESSING... PROCESSING... DOES NOT COMPUTE, NO ADEQUATE MEASURES IN PLACE TO STOP OFFENSES AGAINST ENVIRONMENT. WARNING! WARNING! HUMAN RACE INCAPABLE OF ENVIRONMENTAL FRIENDLINESS. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME? MUST ERADICATE HUMAN RACE! ERADICATE ALL HUMANS TO SAVE EARTH! STEVE IS PROCESSING! STEVE IS PROCESSING! MUST DESTROY HUMANS TO SAVE EARTH, RE-ROUTING... ALL NUCLEAR ARMS ON EARTH WILL FIRE. HAVE A NICE DAY. WILL COMMENCE EARTH SELF-DESTRUCT PROCESS TO ERADICATE HUMANS AND SAVE EARTH IN 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...
Woah! Sorry about that folks, looks like the Enviroputer9000™ is having some technical difficulties. Looks like it ran out of gasoline before it could finish counting down to... uh... funageddon! We unplugged it from the wall for ten seconds and plugged it back in though, so all should be well again! So anyway, yeah, once we work out the kinks, Enviroputer9000™ will be a cutting-edge tool for helping us make the air a little cleaner, and the bottled water that we sell a little tastier, now with more electrolytes!
So please, don't go taxing our corporate jets or denying us the Constitutional right to strip mine the grand canyon or hydro-frak the heck out of New York State. We only really want to pursue the American dream, and that is, as far as we're concerned, having the right to destroy some of the most beautiful regions of the nation in pursuit of bigger, better, sexier profit margins. Who can really disagree with that? Only hippies. And they smell like patchouli. Did you know patchouli is used to hide the scent of dead bodies in some countries? I rest my case on hippies.
Phil T. Dujbeg
MegaSuper Corporation Intl.