(ST. PAUL, MINN) Authorities in the State of Minnesota are reporting that large hordes of homosexual barbarians, most likely invading from the Canadian Hinterlands, are currently ravaging villages and towns in Northeastern Minnesota. Michele Bachmann's gaydar-tricking husband, Marcus Bachmann, who recently eluded to the existence of gay barbarians, has not been available for comment since this story first broke.
The gay barbarians were first spotted late yesterday afternoon in the general vicinity of Superior National Forest, spread out from Grand Marais on the coast, as far inland as the small town of Orr, which authorities claims "sounds like the sort of town where you'd find barbarians." This morning, the hordes have made it as far south as Duluth on the coast, and Detroit Lakes to the west. Authorities expect the entire state to be completely overrun by late Tuesday.
"It was terrifying," explained one injured eye-witness, who was camping in Superior National Forest with a group of his friends when the first wave of the invasion came in. "We were just minding our own business, drinking some beers and joking about what a total [expletive] idiot Michele Bachmann is. The next thing I know, a bunch of very well-dressed barbarians leapt out from the bushes, singing show-tunes in Gaelic as they attacked us. Me and two others were injured when we refused to surrender. My friend Tommy -- poor Tommy! -- he was given a pedicure and told that his vest was clashing with his shoes. I don't think he'll ever recover."
"Then they took my other friend, Bill. Bill was excited to see them at first, I think he figured it was a joke or something, and he was enthusiastic to follow them off into the woods, but then he... he was moaning and screaming `oh God, oh God,'... I think he's dead. DEAD! Get out of Minnesota while you can!"
The gay barbarians burned or otherwise destroyed most of the city of Duluth, ravaging the three local Walmart stores and other establishments. The only buildings left standing were a few select clothing stores and a movie theater that was celebrating "a Barbara Streisand weekend." Authorities believe those establishments had nothing of value for the invading ruffians. The attack on Duluth has left an estimated 2,000 dead, 6,000 wounded, and 19,750 with new wardrobes and hair styles.
Minnesota's National Guard was sent to Minneapolis in the hopes of stopping the barbarian hordes, and the United States Army's 10th Mountain division and Rangers are expected to launch a massive assault on a discotheque in Grand Rapids that is believed to be serving as the raiders' headquarters. The attack is said to be commencing at precisely 1620 hours, with the west flank of the building open for escape, which we're reporting to fulfill Newsvine's monthly press & media obligation of botching combat operations by releasing secret intelligence that could be used against American forces.
With the government rushing to end the conflict, Newsvine couldn't reach any politicians to interview about the ordeal. We did, however, reach former-President Bill Clinton to get his take on the horrific tragedies unfolding in Minnesota.
"I'm kinda peeved about this," explained the former President, while eating a Big Mac and watching a pair of female joggers pass. "I mean, gay barbarians, that ain't cool, man. Where are they keepin' the lesbian Amazon women? Now that's an atrocity I don't mind watchin'! I'll gladly spend a few nights down in an oubliette if one of them throws me down there. Torture my [expletive], honey! You ever see that movie Porkies? Them Amazon lesbians, a locker room, the shower... dude, I'll be all over that! It's be Amazon... get it? Like amazin', but Amazon! HA! But gay barbarians? Not cool man, not cool!"
State officials claim that if the military effort fails, they will attempt alternative methods of repelling the gay barbarian invasion, which may include carpet bombing the northern half of Minnesota, sabotaging water supplies, or even pushing through the development of a new lineup of television shows on the Bravo! network. Analysts remain skeptical, however, citing that other attempts to get rid of the barbarians have thus far failed.
"We tried to give them the Minnesota Twins," explained Governor Mark Dayton. "But seriously, who the heck wants the Minnesota Twins? We've been trying to pawn them off on everyone for ages now. No dice, though. DC dumped 'em on us in the 60's, and the barbarians refused them, so now what are we going to do with this crappy, borderline-minors team? We also considered sending in the Minnesota Vikings, because watching Vikings and Barbarians fight each other would be pretty awesome. But the NFL strike nipped that one in the bud. So now, I think I can safely say we're screwed. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, Minnesotians. Or Minnesotans? Minnesoters? Whatever, who cares, we're all going to [expletive] die or end up wearing designer scarfs anyway, right?"
