Hey everyone! Republican Jesus here! Welcome to the pilot episode of my new show, The Republican Jesus Show! Over the years, the Liberal lamestream media has made me out to be this weak, peace-loving hippy jerk. The kind of guy that appeals to Liberals. But Jesus doesn't drive a Prius or whine about organic hay being fed to free-range cows. On this show, I'm hoping to put all of that nonsense to rest. Conservatives know the real Jesus, and it's about time the rest of America did, too!
In our debut episode, we're going to talk about something that GOP candidates understand, but liberals never get straight. HA! Get it? Straight! Anyway, we're going to chat about family values. I'm going to explain to you exactly what family values are and why they're important, and you know I'm right about this folks, because I'm Jesus! J to the Christ, dog!
So what are "family values," you're wondering? Well, you're only wondering if you're a gay socialist Liberal, probably, but whatever, I'll explain anyway. They're the values of a real American family. A family consisting of a man, who works for a living and always, always, always votes Republican. A woman, who stays at home, cooking and cleaning and teaching the children good, wholesome Christian and Republican values. And then you have the children. a real family has at least two children, and maybe more so long as the family doesn't need government assistance to take care of any of them. The kids take an abstinence pledge, never get abortions, and if I had it my way, they'd all have jobs by the age of ten, working forty hours per week. That's the American way!
The family should have at least one gun and three bibles in the home at all times. If your home doesn't, you're a sinner! They should hate the premise of paying taxes, regardless of how ridiculously low those taxes are. That whole "pay unto Caesar" gag is a bunch of Liberal nonsense! The husband and wife should never get a divorce, ever, regardless of what happens. I'm serious, folks. There's always a solution to every problem a family faces, and divorce is never an option. If the husband spends seven months picking up gay male hitchhikers and comes home every night wreaking of Bacardi with cocaine all over his crotch, send that man to straight camp! If the guy beats up his wife and his kids, well, his wife and his kids need to learn their lesson, pick themselves up by their bootstraps, and have dinner sitting on his table when he gets home from the factory every night! That's what Republican Jesus says!
Family values teach you to love everyone who looks like you, thinks like you, and votes like you. Everyone else? [expletive] 'em! If some Liberal starts blabbing in your ear with a bunch of "facts" and "statistics" and "quotes" that contradict your line of thought, here's what you do. You check to make sure your fingers are clean, you raise them up to eye level, and you cram those little [expletive]-ers in your ears as hard as you can. Then, to drown out their commie propaganda, you sing the National Anthem, or maybe the song Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent (I [expletive] LOVE that song!), as loud as you possibly can, until they stop trying to fill your head with pinko nonsense. Remember, folks, if you didn't hear it from Republican Jesus, and/ or Fox News, it ain't real!
And for the record, the only Americans who should ever do anything even remotely gay need to do it for their jobs. American football players, wearing tights and throwing themselves into big, sweaty man-piles, only to pull themselves up and slap each other on the hiney... that ain't gay. That's American! Also, nothing Priests do should ever be considered gay. The inner-workings of the Church are secret for good reasons, so what looks like gay child abuse to you, looks like wholesome American family values to the rest of us! So that's it. Football players and priests. They get a hall pass on occasional gay behavior. Everyone else? SINNER!
That just about does it for this premier, pilot episode of The Republican Jesus Show! We talked about a lot of subjects, but don't worry, we'll cover all of them in greater depth in future episodes! If you have an idea for a topic you'd like me, Republican Jesus, to discuss in our next episode, comment down below and let me know! Until next time, this is Republican Jesus, signing off. CAT SCRATCH FEE-VAH! WOWWW! [guitar sounds] YEAH!