There's been a great deal of heated debate in the past few years regarding taxing the wealthy to pay down our national debt, and that debate only seems to be intensifying as the United States crawls toward a default amidst the debt ceiling issue/ crisis. We could raise the income tax and capital gains on the wealthy by 5% and alleviate much of our debt debacle, but Conservatives, most of whom aren't actually wealthy themselves, say that's a big no-no.
Well friends, you can stop kicking your feet and screaming in the toy store aisle. I have the solution to this whole fiasco! The whole issue is to not raise taxes on the rich, right? Well, Conservatives have been saying for years that fiscal responsibility is important. Having known countless wealthy individuals and families in my lifetime, I can say with absolute certainty and beyond any reason of doubt that the wealthy tend to be the least responsible spenders around. So if I can save them 10% of their wealth with a few helpful tips and hints, can we raise their taxes and capital gains by a measily 5%, for the good of the nation?
Tip #1 - Only own three houses: If you sell your fourth, fifth, and sixth homes, you can still live pretty well. I mean, you've got your mansion, your summer home, and your ski cabin/ estate... do you really need your high-end loft, your own private island, and that condo in Southern California for when you feel like "slumming it?"
Tip #2 - Smaller denominations in your shredded cash foods: Yes, we all know how tasty Benjamin Franklin is in a bowl of cereal or as an ice cream topping. There's no denying it... money is --ing delicious! But let's be honest with ourselves: cash has no real nutritional value. And sure, you can burn off the extra calories during your weekly one-on-one swimming lessons with Michael Phelps, but aren't you sick of people calling you a "fat cat?" Wouldn't you much rather be a "skinny cat," or even better, a "handsome, athletic cat?" Rather than using $100 and/ or $1000 bills for added flavor, try $1 and $5 bills. Trust me when I say this... the taste is actually better! Give it a try, you'll thank me!
Tip #3 - No more expensive jewelry for high-class call girls: I know that no one else can scratch that itch of yours the same way, but Candy, Zinfindel, and Helga the Dominatrix aren't going to notice if you stop giving them precious African blood diamonds, and start giving them cubic zirconia bought in a lowly middle-class shopping mall. Ask a member of your mansion's staff... they can explain what a "mall" is. It'll save you a fortune, and let's be honest, gang: it's not like she can tell the difference. And if she can, who cares? If she had opinions worth much of anything, why would she be sleeping with a guy like you?
Tip #4 - Don't use the baby seal skin wax for your Gulfstream: It's one heck of a pitch, I'll grant them that... baby seals, delicately clubbed to death with a platinum mallet, soaked in the tears of the homeless, rinsed in pure, high-octane petroleum, orally blow-dried by your fantasy MLB starting lineup, and then finely combed using the beaks of endangered birds, powdered with gold dust, only then to be used as a cloth to wax your Gulfstream V (or your Gulfstream IV if you're poor). It's one heck of a shine, definitely. But here's a little-known jet-waxing secret: you can get the same exact results with a rather low-tech cloth. It won't make you feel as awesome when you're flying over ghettos, but the shine is actually, well, shinier! Don't believe me? Give it a try on one of your jets. You'll see a vast improvement, and it's a few million dollars cheaper per waxing!
Tip #5 - Don't buy more than one custom-built Ferrari: I know it seems pretty alluring to have a garage filled to the brim with $5 million custom-built Ferraris. But did you know that one of the best cars Ferrari has ever built, the 458 Italia, isn't custom, and only costs a quarter of a million dollars? I know! I couldn't believe it, either! But it's true, I swear! It won't have your face stitched into the seating. It won't announce your name whenever you're near by. It also won't mock and ridicule the middle class when you drive past them and throw out your middle finger. But the trade-off is $4,750,000 per car in your garage, and you haven't lived until you've told the middle class to go -- themselves with your actual voice. It's worth it!
You'll most likely save somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million a year just by employing these tips! And if you act now, you can email me for even more tips. For the low-low price of only $50,000 per additional tip, I can save you as much as a quarter of a billion dollars every year! Talk about a heck of a deal, right? And that also means we could raise your taxes by 5%, and you'd be saving so much money, you wouldn't even notice. Everybody wins!