I never really understood the corporate personhood debate.  It really doesn't make sense, when you think about it.  You can buy a corporation, if you can afford to purchase a majority of its shares.  But if a corporation is viewed as a person under the law, doesn't that then conflict with the thirteenth amendment, which outlaws slavery and indentured servitude?

That seems to be one of those legal gray areas, doesn't it?  A corporation gets to be treated as a person, but you can buy that person, and as a majority shareholder, you get to order them around, making them do stuff for you.  Perhaps it's my woeful public school education talking, but I'm pretty sure slavery is illegal, isn't it?  I mean, I couldn't buy a Wall Street executive who works for a corporation, and make them do stuff for me, could I?

I'm no big fan of slavery, but come on, you know you wouldn't mind having an extra pair of hands around the house.  You could make your own personal Wall Street executive clean your apartment, take care of your pets, do the dishes, wash the laundry... it'd be like having a maid, but you buy them rather than hire them.  Just don't let them near your personal finances... they're not exactly known for their stellar math.  Also, keep in mind that most, if not all, Wall Street executives have never known a real day of work in their lives, so it might take them a while to learn how do all this stuff.

I know what you're thinking... "Matt, that's terrible!  You're endorsing slavery here!"  But I'm not really, when you think about it.  I'm endorsing capitalism!  You aren't buying a person, you're buying shares in a person!  Heck, you could go halfsies with your neighbor, with 50% owned by each of you, and presto, you've got a Wall Street executive cleaning two houses!  Now THAT is what I call a bargain!

Of course, this would never really be possible.  That's because there's a set of laws for the wealthy, and then another set of laws for the rest of us.  We just aren't supposed to know that bit.  Really, corporate personhood would mean individuals and groups would no longer be allowed to buy, own, or trade stocks in corporations, just like you couldn't buy stocks in me right now.  That, or slavery would be legal, and I'd be allowed to buy a Wall Street executive.  But there I go being silly again, thinking there's any fairness or equality in full-bore capitalism!  My bad!