Performing this play verbatim may result in physical injury. Please do not perform the part of the Republican using props!
Republican: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather 'round! I have come up with the end-all, be-all solution to the problems we're facing as a nation. Watch me demonstrate this easy plan of mine as I drive this nail into my forehead!
Democrat: Wow, really? That's got to be the worst idea I've ever...
Democrat: Wow, really? You just drove that nail into your...
Republican: Stupid Democrats! Now I'm bleeding from my forehead and it's all your fault!
Democrat: What?! How is it my...
Republican: Your regulations made this nail too sharp! The nail manufacturers were forced into sharpening their nails more than they would otherwise thanks to the stupid Federal government!
Democrat: You just made that up. And at no point did I ever suggest you drive a nail into your head.
Republican: You're a fascist trying to take my freedoms away! This is AMERICA! The Founding Fathers envisioned a FREE nation, where REAL Americans could drive nails into their foreheads if they darn-well please! Commie!
Democrat: Dude, put the hammer down. You're going to hurt yourself.
Republican: And there it is... nanny-state Democrats want me to stop driving nails into my head! Have you read the Constitution yet, Chairman Mao? I have the right to drive nails into my head, and you can't stop me!
Democrat: I was only trying to say... oh my God... you just did it again!
Republican: Shut up! At least I have solutions! This is AMERICA! I'm free to try driving nails into my forehead over and over and over again until I get this right!
Democrat: Do you want a band-aid or something?
Republican: Socialist! I don't need your big government Obamacare! Don't you have a Karl Marx book to... AHH!
Democrat: No, seriously, stop driving nails into your head. That's three now. This can kill you...
Republican: Shut up hippy, I'll do what I want! You're trying to oppress Christians!
Democrat: What the crap are you on about? Christians? How did they get into this conversation?
Republican: Do you know who else drove nails into himself? Jesus!
Democrat: I don't think that's how it happened...
Republican: Hold still...
Democrat: Dude, get away from me! What are you trying to do?!
Republican: I'm going to drive a few nails into YOUR head now! It's the American way, baby! The American... woah, I'm feeling a bit woozy... the American way!