In this riveting, educational, and entirely award-worthy (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) debut edition of "Political Theatre" (the "E" and the "R" are turned around, so you know this is some classy s---!), we're going to join a Republican and a Democrat, both politicians, as they combine their impeccable skills in a bipartisan effort to build a sandwich. Bon appetit!
Democrat: Hey, are you hungry? Let's make a sandwich together, as a team!
Republican: [crosses his arms and pouts] I don't wanna!
D: Aww, come on! It'll be fun! I've laid out the perfect sandwich. Oat berry bread, turkey, ham, bacon, lettuce, tomato, swiss...
R: Okay... you win. I'll make a sandwich with you, but only on one condition: you let me make the whole thing by myself, and you don't say anything while I'm making it, and you let me have all of the credit for coming up with the idea of making the sandwich. Fair?
D: Uh... well, I sort of wanted to work together on this, make it a team-effort, you know? And last week, you tried making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you nearly burned the whole building to the ground.
R: That wasn't my fault! It was the Democrat making the sandwich before me, unless it was a Republican, in which case it was the Democrat making the sandwich before them!
D: Uhh... okay... but I was trying to put out the fire on your plate for several minutes. It still smells like smoke in here. How did you even...
R: YOU started that fire when YOU were making a sandwich! How DARE you blame that on the guy making a sandwich before you?! Who would even do something like that?!
D: Because you started!... no, you know what? Let's just make this sandwich together.
R: Roast beef.
R: I want a roast beef sandwich.
D: Well, I didn't get roast beef. We have turkey, and ham, and...
R: ROAST BEEF ROAST BEEF ROAST BEEF!
D: Fine! I'll go to the store and get roast beef!
[20 minutes later]
D: Hey, I'm back with the roast...
R: I changed my mind. Turkey and ham!
D: Ugh... Okay! Whatever! Let's just start making the sandwich! We'll start with the bread...
R: Woah, slow down there, Fidel. Who paid for all of this food?
D: What? I paid for it.
R: With cash that you earned at a job? Or with government entitlements?
D: What? No, I didn't have enough cash on me and the ATM was too far, so I put it on my card.
R: Typical liberal progressive commie pinko socialist, ringing up massive loads of debt and expecting others to...
D: GRR! SHUT UP! Here, cut this tomato. I want to eat sometime before I die...
R: Before Obamacare kills your grandma, you mean.
D: Cut... the... tomato...
R: Oh my God... oh my God!
D: What? Did you cut yourself? Are you okay?!
R: Look inside this tomato I just cut! It looks like... wow... it looks like Ronald Reagan cuddling with Baby Jesus at a gun rally with Sarah Palin!
D: It just looks like the inside of a tomato to me.
R: Oh, suuure, you would say that, wouldn't you? Why do you hate this country so much?
D: I don't hate this country!
R: Whatever, I don't like this game! I'm not making this sandwich with you anymore! But I expect half of it when it's done anyway! Loser!
D: Argh! You know what? Just sit over there, quietly, and I'll make the whole darn sandwich myself!
[a few minutes later]
D: There! The sandwich is done. Now all I have to do is cut it in half, and we'll each get... hey! What are you doing?!
R: Cutting the sandwich in half! Almost... got it... Done!
D: What the hell, man?! You took 95% of the sandwich for yourself, and the whole bag of potato chips, and drank most of my Coke! You left me with table scraps!
R: Yeah, I did! And you'll eat them and be happy and keep your mouth shut, if you know what's good for you!
R: And you know what? This sandwich doesn't even taste good! At all! This is what happens when you make it all by yourself, and refuse to let anyone help you! What a selfish partisan jerkwad you are, you wad of jerks!